“And you believe THAT because you read it in a book?” sniped an employee of mine in response to something I had shared as we were getting off a plane in some far away destination in Europe. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I read A LOT of books, and learn something from most of them. I tend to have a passion for learning new things. So, the fact that I enthusiastically shared something new was nothing special on this particular day. That person’s response to me not only discounted the hundreds and possibly thousands of books that I had read before and whose content would have gone into my thinking, but also the forty some years of life I had lived and brought to bear when considering the subject covered by this one book.
But what was the real intent this person was expressing? Were they saying that getting knowledge from books is stupid? No! In fact, I have since come to understand this type of behavior for what it is—sniper behavior. Sniping behavior is typically something undertaken by a person who sees you as getting in their way or who resents you for some reason. They see you as opposition, or they have a grievance of some sort against you but can’t attack you directly so they do it in devious ways through rude comments, sarcastic humor, or a biting tone of voice.[i]
Did I know that this person resented and disrespected me? Absolutely, I had heard the nasty comments made when I wasn’t in the room from more than one source. However, I hadn’t really done anything to find out why this person had a grievance against me. So, the sniping behavior really shouldn’t have caught me off guard as much as it did at the time, but it certainly did.
According to Brinkman and Kirschner, authors of a great book called Dealing With People You Can’t Stand, the best way to handle a sniper is to develop an attitude of amused curiosity in the moment, then later try to understand what the real grievance is that underlies the behavior. Instead of taking it personally, which I certainly did at the time, these experts advise you to “get curious enough to focus on the sniper instead of yourself.” According to these folks, people who snip are actually quite insecure and the best way to protect yourself from a sniper is to think of them as an insecure grade school kid teasing in a mean way—“I know you are but what am I?” Did I have the maturity and fortitude to understand my responsibility as the leader and senior person in the situation and respond accordingly? Absolutely not! I responded like the get it done, tank-like person that I can be and instead replied, “No, so and so, that would be STUPID, don’t you think!”
Of course I now know that a more reasonable and productive approach would be to stop and repeat back to this employee exactly what they had said to me, in order to bring attention to the bad behavior. Something like this, “So, you think that gaining knowledge from books is a bad thing?” Then, if I had my wits about me and had I read Brinkman’s and Krsichner’s book before-hand, I might have followed up with a few good “searchlight” type questions, such as, “do you think there is something wrong with getting knowledge from books?” “Do you never read books to gain knowledge?” “Why do you think it is bad for me to read books in order to gain knowledge?” These questions would have put a real spot light on the silliness of the snipe. And if I had been doing my job properly in the first place, I would have taken the time before the sniper behavior started appearing and done my best to understand and address this persons grievance before it grew into the ugly situation that it did.
I have often wished that had handled that particular situation better and not responded so hotly. That is why I was so excited when I recognized the behavior and situation in the Kirschner and Brinkman book. Yes, I am still getting hyped about cool stuff I read in books. I will never know whether or not it would have helped the situation if I had used some of the strategies they write about. After all, there are always going to be some people whose expectations you can simply never live up to. That said, if I done what I knew was the right thing to do in the first place, and if had used some of the strategies outlined in Brinkman’s and Kirschner’s book, I would have certainly felt a lot better about my own behavior.
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